I'm a FAKE WINNER!!!

Its official. Only THE BRIDE and ELLE DRIVER can top my hanzo skills bitches!!!

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A Noir-ish Nite

I made the statement that I would be staying in all week except for FREE walks around the neigh-borhood. This extended to FREE anything when Joely took me out. Last night I was invited to dinner with Beth, Wayne, and Jackie. Here is a quick rundown of the players @ the beginning of the night:
Beth~Ry The Scot's sister
Wayne~ Beth's husband,British, nuff said
Tre J~ We live so close to each other now we've been spending a lot of time together.
Juliet~ friends with B&W
Linelle~ fabulously loud woman who is friend's with Juliet.

We went to for cocktails and dinner to THE CONTINENTAL, martini bar and insanely good food. I was having Espresso martinis and then we moved onto red wine, Beth's fave. The food was decadent! I had chicken skewers, crab and spring rolls, and BBQ chicken quesadillas. They serve the food esp. for sharing so everyone was just picking off the plates. It was so much fun. I thought after the whole No-Libs debacle last week and my estrangement from Stefan, wouldn't be hanging out with Beth and Wayne again. But they're awesome people and they don't care about the drama. Linelle and I talked about our pets. She even had pictures of her puppies--too cute! Juliet has a gorgeous bull dog as well.

So after dinner me and Jackie went to BAR NOIR to meet her brother Sam and his volleyball partner/friend Russ. Me and Sam danced and we've made plans to go see a show @ LILY LANGTREES, this dinner/musical theater thang in KOP (its a "double date"). I'm trying not to be completely obsessing over Joely, and Sam is just being a sweetheart as usual so its all good. Just for fun and an excuse to get dressed up.

Keg-Leg met up with us at the bar for a beer. She drove me and Tre-J home and was gonna crash with me but decided to drive home. I ended up staying downstairs and falling asleep to FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS. It was a stellar night...maybe even a "tubular tuesday" (((if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had to describe it. :wink:))).

Other highlights as of late:
*I need my head shaved and am hoping Joel can do it tonight if he decides to come visit me
*Saturday I had a fantastic time with Jonathan on and around South Street...I was late for the dart team meeting b/c I went to see THE ARISTOCRATS with Care (AWESOME FUNNY HI-LARIOUS film), but we started @ O'Neals, but also made it to Copa and the NEW WAVE where many many many many games of bar crack AKA Megatouch were played. Tripping the Light Fantastic you could say
*I think its my week to water the plants but I can't remember. I did yesterday anyway so there.
*If anyone has any guesses on how Jackie's nickname became Tre-J, I would love to hear them. You'll never guess!!!
*I am going to have a salad now and its not even 11am.
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~Meet Joely D~

I met Joely thru the Keg Leg, WAY WAY back in the day when I was still with Bock and us kids were partying @ Kell's house on a Saturday night b/c we were too young to go to a bar.

Strike that, the first time I met Joely was @ Kyle's house (the guitarist of BEST DEATH EVER). Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the first time I ran into him. Anyway, it was a million years ago and I have run into him quite happenstance @ TEMPLE a few times (we both attended college there) and other BDE shows. (((Last night @ Monks Cafe for insanely good foreign beer and food we were trying to remember if we've seen each other since 2002; I miaintain that we have not but he seems to think there was another meeting somewhere in there.)))

The last time I saw him I got his cell # with the full intention of calling and hanging with him @ some point. That never happened as I had a new boyfriend and he had a girl and these things happen...as they are of course meant to happen.

Until Friday, August 26th, after going through yet another "crisis" with my sister and having just a shite day all around, my 2nd mate Keg Leg Kell came down to Filthy to ravage South Street. We started @ Manny Browns and ended up @ the NEW WAVE, where I've been spending so much time I should just start working there with Carey. Keg Leg and The Bastard were leaving, I got up from the Megatouch machine I was hoarding to say good bye to them and walk them out............................when who should be at the bar getting a pitcher of lager but Joely D?

I was a lil tipsy so perhaps I was a little overly happy to see him--and since Kell was staying and it was early yet, Joely invited me to join his friends for some beer, pool, and conversation. We talked about everything and nothing~drunken speak is often roundabout and inhibited. Upon leaving the NEW WAVE he came over and watched UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE, SEVEN, and ended up crashing @ my place.

Saturday morning we had breakfast @ the South St. diner and parted ways. Exchanging numbers, and knowing he was working all weekend, I restrained myself until Monday to call him. Upon which we made plans to get together again.

Dinner @ MONKS, talk of BLOC PARTY for my birthday and QUIZZO next Monday, more UCB, plans to see each other Wednesday, oh yes kittlings, a decent boy might just be in my life right now. If nothing else, he is too cute and super sweet.

I mean, for crying out loud, he refills the water filter EVERY time he gets water from the fridge. Now that is a keeper right there.

I refuse to obsess and count all my chickens before they hatch. We are having a good time and for once this month, I think things are sorta, kinda, going my way. Even if his parents are a bit of the religious zealot-type and he still lives in the suburbs. :wink:
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Randomness

*When four or more episodes of illness occur within a 12-month period, a person is said to have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. Some people experience multiple episodes within a single week, or even within a single day. Rapid cycling tends to develop later in the course of illness and is more common among women than among men.

*How exhausting it must be to still act this angry and uncaring--how do you find the time and energy?

*Experiment of the Week: Let's watch as Ze Brickthrower is not allowed to leave the house @ all save for work and FREE walks around the neighborhood. (will further insanity ensue??)

*Ze Moto is going to need a new home...details to come

*For my birthday, as MR. ELLIS requests for himself every year, I believe it is time for me to be taken behind the stables.

*I have no desire for anything except for a phone call.
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Buddha *hearts* me, yes he does

My week began with a colassal mistake which I was sure would cause me a friendship I had grown to truly appreciate. Although I seemed to have some redemption with a reconciliation between me and a friend that had been estranged for awhile, I felt chaos all around me, and I didn't see an end in sight.

Yesterday was spent online doing more research into Buddhism, a "religion" I had labeled myself but never really delved very far into. This being part of my weekend homework, I hope to be even more knowledgable by next Monday. B/c see, the very basis of Buddhism is chaos. And so I already have a working understanding of that. And after asking Buddha for help (which I haven't done since my days of sobriety), I started to feel better. And last night I stayed in and didn't have the anxiety to leave the house as I often do--although having no money helped that urge of course.

I was well rested, had written down my few personal goals for this weekend, and came into work to find that not only had my troubled friendship had healed itself and we were on speaking terms again, but another relationship in turmoil has been able to heal slightly. I feel a sense of calm as I think about staying in this evening (although I do have a couple errands to run but that should get the urge of being out and about clean out of my system), staying in, making dinner, relaxing with some wine and MIDNIGHT CLUB DUB EDITION.

Tomorrow is FABULOUS FRIDAY, my only meal out of the house in the next couple weeks. Me and Jackie are going to the Continental Midtown to enjoy martinis and decadent food. I have a dart team meeting on Saturday, where I will make my final decision on whether I'm in or I'm out. And finally on Sunday I will be going to AZURE to see Todd the bartender in his open mic glory.

Its sounds like so many plans and so much to do. But really, other than dinner tomorrow its all tentative. I am w/o a cell phone so that's fun. Its ridiculous how much I feel like I"ve lost a limb or something. But I'm finally getting the NOKIA i've been in lurve with forever, complete with full QWERTY keyboard. :drool:

I'm ok, you're ok.
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Seeing You...8.14.2005.

Seeing as I’m the only one
Willing to talk about this…
About this “seeing” thing

I’ll start with things as
I see it.
I see you walking
Away from me
Taking the light with you
You give me glimpses of
The impending darkness
Around me.

I have obsessed my way straight
Through love and lust and
Desire
Pushed through jealousy, doubt
And anger
Crashed miserably into hate
And dug in my heels
Bore down on a
Rusted bit
Seeing that we never had
A chance—it’s easy to come to
Come to the conclusion
That I never had you anyway

Did you see me
When seeing meant more
Than your standard view?
Instead of skirts and slacks
There were knickers and
Underthings…and skin.

When laundry day came
-and that was often-
often you could see it all
wrapped in crimson sheets
and cheap schemes
to make you mine forever
with just the wave of a feather
My confidence is just as superficial
As my skin
Covering every inch of me
But a view of nothing within

So you see
I can observe the scene and
Analyze
Or you can show me the basic truths:
You never loved me.
You never did.
Blinded by the lights perhaps?
Even denser than a black hole
Does being this nice to me and
Watching me grovel
Give you some sense of urgency
To run away screaming?
Kiss my face for 3 days straight…
Then disappear for 2 days more?
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Could you be at Risk???!!!

The Symptoms Include:

1--Rants and Ravings of a PATHETIC nature

2--General self-loathing

3--Feelings of helplessness over such trivial things as loss of cell phone

4--Crying while working and barely trying to hide it

5--Self-Medication due to fear of complete and total mental breakdown

6--Repetition of sad songs, usually SYSTEM OF A DOWN related (go figure)

7--Swinging between extreme feelings of elation followed by complete and utter despair

***if you know anyone with all of these symptoms then you are probably close personal friends with Ze Brickthrower. In her nature, it is customary for her to cycle through extreme emotions. Today, she has hit rock bottom with a very ungraceful and injurous land.***

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NYC DRINK-UP 8.19.2005--Countdown to Extinction!!!

And so here we are on this Friday afternoon, as I exercise with all my will the ability to stay awake under extreme cases of boredom. I woke up this morning and packed, got all my shite together for tonight's trip to NYC. I am beyond excited...mostly to see my boy Frankie B., my partner in madness, but also to chill with Philip Clark again and some other hooligans from the comix/internet world. I have been lying low in this world for awhile--but started making appearances on JINXWORLD again and that's really about it. Its tough to know who is going to hold grudges, or take sides, or remember past mistakes, but everything seems cool now. And I'm glad to be back in many ways; although my motivation to write about the comic world again is only slightly there; Attila helped sparked that interest by sending me some amazing work for BEOWULF. I am trying to line something up for the new site as we speak.

So yes--drunken debauchery in NYC--I could not pass up the opportunity. I am just psyched to be taking a small little trip and getting away from the drama that has been going on here in Philly. I don't want to get into details but me and Stefan are about as estranged as we've ever been...and its something I'm still trying to deal with. I'm feeling slightly left out--and I don't think it has anything to do with the quality of the company but just that I'm missing out on something, anything, which is so stupid but it plants itself in my mind and doesn't leave.

Saturday I come home and then I'm meeting with Dave Ozark--we haven't hung out in awhile and he knows of my money sitch so we're just gonna sit around and watch the Eagles (you know how much I love football!) play and drink some beers. Sunday me and Ry the Scot are going to this outdoor Dj-vs-Dj party that is also free. Free is good. Last night was supposed to be mostly free but I went to TLA to get a couple movies and Rae and I just had to beat WORD DOJO b/c Manny Brown's megatouch had an extremely low score on it. We were both asleep by 11pm on the couch. I got some much needed catch-up on my rest.

Dane let me borrow a skirt for tonight and I lurve it--goes well with my new shoes which I am in total *lurve* with. Just waiting for 4:30pm to roll around so I can head off to the city that never sleeps. HUZZAH!!!

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Epiphany #1,359,459

I have been going out to keep myself busy.
I have been going out to keep myself sane. But in the end the only thing I’m doing is spending entirely too much money and trying entirely to hard to gain acquaintances.
I had to borrow money off my parents and my shrink just to get by. I took out a loan which I spent on some things for the house, but mostly in bars and paying for other people so I’ll have someone to keep me company.

I need to learn that being alone doesn’t mean I have to be lonely. I should be writing more and working on my stuff for the web site. I want to go to London in Jan. of 2007 and for longer than a few days. I’m never going to be able to if I keep this lifestyle up.

You know its funny that my mom, and some people on the internet are always like “your life sounds so interesting!” “you do so much! How can you keep it all straight?” and I can’t. I’m gonna be 25 in September and I can’t fucking switch off. Not even for a second. I’m afraid if I remain stagnant that I’m going to lose all my friends, any chance at love, here it is again—the absolute and terrifying fear of being alone.

I’m not the strong one or the smart one. I put on a good act but in the end that’s all there is. I’ve made plans so many times and they’ve failed utterly. So here is my new plan—to make NO plans. As in, no trips (save the ones already planned)—no looking for shows or DJ nights. No plans for the bar unless I’m called. I’m done being the social director and trying to get every detail correct. Its just not worth it.

Queen of the Pathetic, with no plans whatsoever,
~mary e. Brickthrower
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For those special people in my life...

FUCK RIGHT OFF SUCKAZ!!!!
Some are friendly F-U's, some are for absolute bitches that need to die.

And this headache is not helping my mood. The worst hangovers are the ones that grow gradually throughout the day due to suckass events.

Not like today sucks, I have a business dinner tonight...need to just go home and pass out. Last night I ended up crashing @ Beth & Wayne's b/c I drank a little too much. We had a good time. Rae and Ry reconciled on some level so that's good.

But there are about 3 people that I just want to maim and make suffer. I cannot wait for Friday--NYC BABY!!!
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A copy of a copy

I saw Todd last night. Open mic @ AZURE--his voice is so nice and I absolutely adore hearing him sing. Me and Rae hung out a bit at his pad after he closed up the bar--Carey came out but
only for a bit...Rae drove me home but not before I wished that Todd's job left him with more time than a few hours before dawn. But such is life.

Stefan called out today and my car was @ his hizzy so that meant using my last $20 to cab it here today--Dane is giving me a ride home and then I'm not sure what I'll be doing...setting up my computer and fixing my application for TLA VIDEO. I figure that would be one hella cool part time job. I love working @ Indie shops.

So a quick weekend wrap-up: FRIDAY was Stefan's birthday party which was pretty fun but I ended up going out with Rae and leaving pretty early. SATURDAY I went to dinner @ New Wave and met Rae there. We ended up going back to my pad and watching SEX AND THE CITY on DVD. Carey came home around 1 and drank and watched TV with us. Todd called me a few times and finally decided not to come visit as it was 4 in the morning and all. And SUNDAY was Azure, Bar Crack (aka Megatouch), Stoli Raz and Red Bulls, and some cool music. I got my room even more organized and rented CONSTANTINE.

Friday I am heading up to NYC for a Bendis Board drink-up. Frankie B. is meeting me @ the bus depot and Philip is providing a place to crash. Wednesday i'm getting my labret pierced. Saturday me and Dane are going shopping @ H&M.

I'm the walking dead today. Its not FIGHT CLUB...but if it was, not like I could talk about it anyway. :wink:
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Going Back to Cali...

Happy Birthday Stefan! On this day you will dance the disco and relive your younger years when your ADHD wasn't as prominent. I *HEART* you and you'll always be my best friend...remember that goonie!!!

Tonight we're having a little get together in honor of Sausalito turning the ripe OLD age of 28...I still have to get a few things for the soiree but that's because cleaning my room, doing laundry and all that jazz took longer than I thought. My room is still not quite where I want it to be--but its shaping up. Mos def more liveable now that I have a place for everything (just need to put everything in its place).

So yeah, last night was work around the house...then I went over to Stefan's for a bit and chilled, did some crossword puzzles and watched some TV. Cried like a baby to the end of MAN ON FIRE even though I only watched probably the last half hour of it. Seems like a good movie indeed. Finally returned AZUMI w/o watching the end but I probably owe a pretty penny on it now.

The new obsession: POSTAL SERVICE--FS-like but dare I say...better?

Rock.N.Roll.

As for the title of this installment, I am planning a January vacay to visit Nic, the girl I used to work with who rules the school and has offered me and Sausalito a place to stay in sunny San Diego. We're planning a JANUARY trip so we can leave the cold behind and gel in the warm sun. Should be a blast and relatively cheap. I"M PSYCHED!!! I have Reno next month and then Cali in January??? West Coast--RETURN OF ZE BRICKTHROWER!!!

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The South Street Cleaning Crew

I went to Stefan's yesterday after work to see Ze Moto and then we headed to AKA records. After already buying a few CD's @ Best Buy, I also got some new records. In sum, I have ALOT of new music:
**CDs**
1-SYSTEM OF A DOWN--Mesmerize
2-THE STREETS--Original Pirate Material (finally have it besides Napster)
3-Royksopp--The Understanding
4-DJ Keoki--Kill The DJ & Keokiclash (re-bought them from the night they were stolen)
**Records**
5-The Faint--Danse Macabre & Nickel Arcade (I think that's the name of it)
6-Fischerspooner--"never win" remixes
7-Felix Da Housecat Versus Sasha-"watching cars go by" remixes

Stefan bought some good stuff too so I'm feeling like I'll be ok until next week at least. =o) Anyway, after all this music purchasing, I had the house cleaning gathering with my 2 roommates, Carey and Rachel. We had fun, I bought some wine and took to scrubbing the downstairs floors and surfaces, and in an hour or so we were all done our respective chores, sweatier than ever, and prepared to watch a flick and relax.

Rachel and Carey cruised my DVD's and we almost put in THE BASKETBALL DIARIES, but instead went for some more lighthearted comedic fare with EATING RAOUL (pictured above). This movie was such a contradiction onto itself. Awesome cinematography, over the top acting that was borderline unwatchable, unabashed stereotyping and racial epithets. I was cracking up as were the roomies. It was a good choice and we had fun just chillin, drinking, talking and gellin. It will be a once a month occurence which will be nice esp. since we all have very different schedules and rarely see each other during the week.

So tonight I'm organizing my room if its the last bloody thing I do. If I dont' have all 3 IKEA pieces put together by tonight @10pm when I'll be heading to the WINCHESTER, well, there will be hell to pay...by someone. :wink:
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|||Ze Brickthrower's Slogans|||

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Trainspotting on the Balcony

I have been invited to join Jonathan (my teacher in the way of darts) to a screening of TRAINSPOTTING @ the Trocadero Balcony tonight. Alcohol, cheap entry, and scottish brogues. I don't think it gets much better than that.

The weekend was strange. I accomplished alot, even got some stuff for the new AI book decided and straightened out. I couldn't hook up my PS2 b/c I need an optical cable--but hopefully tonight me and Stefan can get my book shelf and desk set up so that will lessen the junk space and make room for the fun part of my room--the decoration. Right now I just have bags, boxes, and totes strewn everywhere. The first night in the house was not scary or frightening even though I was sorta making myself think that way. But I survived.

COLDPLAY was pretty damn cool--we left during the encore just b/c of the sheer volume of people there--I have never seen a concert that full to the brim. Perhaps b/c they reach all kinds of demographics? Me and Rae walked from the ferry to the WINCHESTER and hung with Jonathan, Jason, and played a game of darts that I came from behind to win. Double cork on my 2nd throw really helped me out. We were playing with house darts as well.
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We're Home Early!

Stefan and Ry came home Friday instead of Sunday. Way to mess my weekend plans up! :-P Me and Rae went to the CONTINENTAL on friday and got seated almost immediately b/c my new roomie Rachel bartends there. The food was INSANELY good--I had BLT scallops which were absolute heaven.

Stefan called on our way to the subway and asked why the A/C was on. Not asking if I was holding up in light of my recent problems, or "we're back--what are you up to?" It was just straight up self-righteousness. I wish we didn't hate each other so much right now. We can always be friendly to each other but there is just a rift there. And it sucks. Anyway, the night was spent with Jonathon & co. @ THE WINCHESTER, it was fun.

I moved completely into my new place and so I'm more psyched than I've ever been. Well, save a few things here and there--moving 3 times in 3 months SUCKS! But I'm finally settled and the A/C is in and all I need to do is put together some IKEA furniture (which Keg Leg is helping me with) and I'll be good to go. Carey was home and invited me out for a movie--we went and saw HUSTLE AND FLOW.

This movie was SOOOO good. I want to go see it again. The first scene where D Jay lays down a track gave me goose bumps. It was such an organic scene and creative in the midst of a totally uncreative setting. I'll be writing about this more for an upcoming internet column.

Spin my fucking blues away...

I went home early from work yesterday after overwhelming myself with the thoughts of the person for whom the previous entry was directed. After contacting my shrink and going through a intense 20 minute power session, I finally started to feel better. The only thing left with my now is a bit of pathetic sympathy and anger. I see the person in question tonight, and basically have one question to ask her. Depending on her answer, I will either be there to help or I will need to detach myself even further from the situation.

I indulged in some record buying early in the day:
**ordered online**
+FISCHERSPOONER-"never win"
+WHITE STRIPES "7 nation army" mixes
+THE FAINT-DANSE MACABRE (full album)
+FISCHERSPOONER "emerge" mixes

**bought @ AKA records**
+FISCHERSPOONER "just let go" mixes (including THIN WHITE DUKE remix)
+DAFT PUNK "technologic" mixes

I watched a few different movies. I slept alot. Around 7pm I dyed my hair, showered, then mixed records for about an hour or 2. Took solace in darts and the company of local friends @ THE WINCHESTER--glad to be able to function again. Of course I'm behind with moving now but maybe it will be good in the end b/c then I can employ man servant Stefan to help me finalize the move on Monday. Tuesday is going to be our cleaning night in the new place so that will be cool to get to know my new roomies better.

THE BRIT has been emailing regularly, COLDPLAY is Sunday, and I really wish I could just apparate to my parents house. Driving by myself is so bloody boring.
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Agenda Suicide

You know who you are:

I talked to you on Sunday and I knew that you were in a bad way. After all, I had seen this before with your boyfriend in high school. I knew how hurt you could get. But when you threatened to hurt yourself--I didn't believe you. And I tried sympathy, and empathy, and finally anger to make you get control of yourself. I said if you threatened harm again then I would call someone and make them take you to the hospital. You said you weren't serious.

Once again I'm left in the dark of the details, the higher ups seem to think that hiding these things from me is a good idea b/c of the shite I"m dealing with now. But goddammit--WHY DIDN"T YOU CALL ME??? I said to call me if you needed me. You didn't have to resort to this. And you may say now that it was a cry for help and you didn't intend to actually do it but all I see in that statement is selfishness. I could've lost you and TO WHAT???? To prove a point to some boy that means less than nothing to me?

I'm so angry with you right now. I'm so sad that you resorted to this. "you may have a comfy bed to sleep in" at the hospital, but I have to mask my pain and keep on going, act like everything is ok, work and keep sane so that I don't fall apart. I hate you right now for making me worry like this. I can't even talk to you. Hence this letter--which you might never read but I need to say something to someone right now or I'm going to collapse into a violent mess on the floor.

You know I love you. You have no right to leave here before I do.

(((as depressed and as sad as I've ever been, and joked about slitting my wrists, I WOULD NEVER DO IT. I'll never joke about it again)))
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SEVERUS SNAPE

Why have you forsaken me???

(((I finished HP last nite...and cried for a half hour regardless of knowing a VERY IMPORTANT part of the end--please note that I *heart* SNAPE and I know he did what DD told him to do, but he ran away--making me very very very very sad)))

R.A.B.--I think I know who this is!!!!

Last nite was pretty mental. I fell asleep watching THE MACHINIST (I'm just re-watching at this point to pick up more subtleties) and woke up around 8pm. I had the strong desire for sushi and the need to finish HP. So I went to KOI and read, came home and read. Around 10:30 Care called to have me come over to her 'rents and get the A/C. Rae called and we planned to meet up. Upon waiting for her I finished HP and cried.

Having strong resolutions, we started out watching SLIDING DOORS and drinking chardonnay. But soon WORD DOJO was brought up and Todd the bartender was also mentioned. So we made the trek to AZURE but it was closed...so as it inevitably goes, we ended up @ The Winchester, where we chatted up D and Nicola, a alterna-boy and his Italian cousin. I was trying to communicate with him through a pidgen language of English, Spanish and Italian. We closed out the bar and they boys came over, I attempted to spin and then Todd called me. I finally persuaded him to come out and everyone hung out for awhile but it was bloody 5am when I finally went to sleep. I guess I might've shot down Todd in a way--he didn't seem happy leaving but I needed the rest. Tonight I'm watching the rest of my movies, dropping them off, and hopefully not succumbing to word dojo.

I got my loan so am buying the last of my needs for my room and will be getting everything settled tomorrow. I'm going to come home from the 'rents on Saturday and hopefully go see BATSUPSIDEDOWN play in Oreland. Sunday is a book meeting and while I have several title ideas, I'm not even sure what the cover choices are.

I got my NIN tickets, me and Rae are planning a vacay for next year, and THE BRIT has emailed me twice in the past 3 days. <3

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