Epiphany #1,359,459

I have been going out to keep myself busy.
I have been going out to keep myself sane. But in the end the only thing I’m doing is spending entirely too much money and trying entirely to hard to gain acquaintances.
I had to borrow money off my parents and my shrink just to get by. I took out a loan which I spent on some things for the house, but mostly in bars and paying for other people so I’ll have someone to keep me company.

I need to learn that being alone doesn’t mean I have to be lonely. I should be writing more and working on my stuff for the web site. I want to go to London in Jan. of 2007 and for longer than a few days. I’m never going to be able to if I keep this lifestyle up.

You know its funny that my mom, and some people on the internet are always like “your life sounds so interesting!” “you do so much! How can you keep it all straight?” and I can’t. I’m gonna be 25 in September and I can’t fucking switch off. Not even for a second. I’m afraid if I remain stagnant that I’m going to lose all my friends, any chance at love, here it is again—the absolute and terrifying fear of being alone.

I’m not the strong one or the smart one. I put on a good act but in the end that’s all there is. I’ve made plans so many times and they’ve failed utterly. So here is my new plan—to make NO plans. As in, no trips (save the ones already planned)—no looking for shows or DJ nights. No plans for the bar unless I’m called. I’m done being the social director and trying to get every detail correct. Its just not worth it.

Queen of the Pathetic, with no plans whatsoever,
~mary e. Brickthrower
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