!!!B-MORE BITCHES!!!

Today I had a half-day, as did Stefan, and I'm sitting here waiting for him to come pick me up so we can head down to Baltimore for the Orioles/Mariners game. It might rain, but we're gonna say FUCK IT to the sky and the rain and all that and try to make it there. If only for one glimpse of ICHIRO, I will be happy. Tonight is the *LOST* finale, which my mom is graciously TIVO'ing for us, so I should have a full report tomorrow. Because I have Thursday, Friday -AND- Monday off as well. Yeah, I rule kittlings. Its good to be Queen (of the Pathetic).

ICHIRO SUZUKI--My Asian Elven Wonder!!!

GO MARINERS!!!
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Myths About Ze Brickthrower Dispelled...

1--I am NOT a Jesus Freak.
2--I am NOT as strong as you think I am
3--I have failed and I might again but this does not make me a quitter
4--I am NOT happy with my current life situation although I can remain positive about my life changes
**********************
The easiest way to describe any sprituality I have found is Buddhism, but even that is not quite accurate. I'm still changing. I'm not the same person I was a month ago, last year, last month. To realize that your entire life you've been living without a sense of self is enough to make a sane person cry. Me being the Queen of the Pathetic means I want to tear the entire world apart for my own ridiculous deceptions.

It doesn't help that attempting to volunteer and find a job is like pulling teeth--I remember why I stayed in this horridness of a job so long--b/c its easy. So was the drug use--easy to live in misery when I blotted out any concrete or creative thought I ever had. And it starts to get a little hard and here I go crying to my blog and wallowing in the same shame spiral I told myself I needed to get out of. But as stated above, I'm not giving up, no surrender (TO THE DRUGS CUBED! And the Shame Spiral. Buddha can have it all) I just need this time to bitch and moan so that I can shut the fuck up about it IRL and move past it.

If it consumes me, then I can never say I went to London again. And right now I'll use that as my reason to rise above.
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+the PET History of Ze Brickthrower+ No. 4

I wasn't the only one that tortured our pets!!!
Barger II, my sister Shacky's Minature Schnauzer was the pet we had the longest (with the exception of PRETTY BIRD whom can be seen in an upcoming "PET history" installment)--this doggie was in our care in Reno, NV -and- Plantation, Fl (aka Satan's Asshole). I am more a cat person, but if I get a place big enough to have a dog or 2, one of them will be a miniature schnauzer and the other a pit bull (see CHRISTALE).
BARGER was a little ball of fury, very protective of our family in the "all bark, no bite" sense. If you entered the house, she would bark and growl for a good hour before she was ready to give you a chance with the fam. Both the pictures below show her shagginess:

(((**Barger, Dog of the Year and getting curlers put in her beard from Shacky**)))

My mom would take her to get groomed and she would come back looking like a gruff old man--beard nicely trimmed and short gray hair cropped close. You don't know how much you miss something until its gone, and even though she was a smaller dog she didn't have the hyper nature to her like subsequent puppies we kept. BARGER was by far one of my favorite pets--even if I didn't show that hound the love when she was around. Alas, the move to Florida was too disruptive for her, she began peeing on EVERYTHING and this led to my mom giving her away (a pattern that would continue into Pennsylvania and other pets; the giving away, not the peeing). The verdict: dogs with beards=2 cute!!!
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Don't Listen to the HATERZZZ!!!

GEORGE LUCAS--you have redeemed the STAR WARS name and made it cool to be a geek again!!! As the first 2 episodes of the Star Wars trilogy only proved to be convoluted messes of wooden dialogue and cheap laughs with the best character to be introduced dying MUCH too soon (DARTH MAUL was the shizzy, killing him that soon was perhaps the dumbest moment in the entire series of films). The second film with its "love story" and "petulant child" acting of Hayden Christensen was cringe-worthy on all accounts. I think you could tell my annoyance with the trilogy was high and my trust in the third film being good was shaken greatly.

REVENGE OF THE SITH opened with a massive STAR FIGHTER/and speeding air ships that led to a kickass action sequence, the less talk the better it seems. The light saber battles could not have been topped and were almost dizzying to watch. Everything that needed to be explained to lead you into the 2nd Trilogy was done so and not in a rushed way. It all made sense and was coherent. I still am not convinced of the love between Padme and Anakin but I blame this more on the dialogue than the actors--who have both proven themselves excellent in their craft. EWAN MCDIARMAND (sp?) is brilliant as PALPATINE, watching his transformation is stunning and he is able to give the story much credibility in his subtle yet sinister voice. It is EWAN MCGREGOR that shines as a young OBI WAN--his voice is dead-on and he even nailed such simple things as SIR ALEC GUINNESS' gait.


(((The Bad Guys Always Make it Better!)))

Again, I must comment on the speed and talent exhibited by all those that held a light saber, even little YODA upstaged his previous fight with COUNT DOOKU, this time taking on PALPATINE with a zeal that he saves for the true evil of the Empire. I have always been a fan of the dark side, and to watch the origins of MY Darth Vader were awesome and saddening at the same time. This holds true for the JEDI's fate as well. To not give JAR JAR one speaking line is simply icing on the cake. LUCAS has given the fans something to be proud of...and confirms my theory that the titles that contain the a reference to the DARK SIDE are the better films (i.e. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK)

I'll be going to see it again on Thursday. Even more STAR WARS goodness then!
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Quiz Fun 2005 Bitches!!!

Woohoo! You are Version 2.0!! You are fierce and
feisty and you know what you want but you also
have a sensitive side. You don't care for
society that much but know how to deal with it.
You get depressed sometimes but come out of it
strong. You are a favorite among Garbage fans.

Which Garbage Album Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

BIRTH of a Reincarnation

BIRTH stars a pixie-ish NICOLE KIDMAN as a 2-year widower, ready to marry a rich and pompous suit until a boy played by DANNY HUSTON (of GODSEND fame) enters their home and pleads with KIDMAN not to marry her suitor. Why would a little boy whom doesn't know KIDMAN even care whose she's marrying? B/c he claims to be the reincarnation of her dead husband SHAWN. This is the beginning of a story about love and love lost and more piercing stares by KIDMAN and HUSTON than actual dialogue between them. This does not gloss over the obvious problems of a 10-year-old boy claiming to be a dead man; sex is talked about, how HUSTON will support his "wife," the sheer craziness and unbelieveable chance that KIDMAN has found her "Shawn." LAUREN BACALL, KIDMAN's mother, plods along with constant reassurance that her daughter will wake up and realize the absurdity of it all while the boy's mother seems to be ok with every fancy the boy has. ANNE HECHE has long hair (sorry, its a shocker to me) and plays a mysterious friend of KIDMAN's, whose secrets reveal that Shawn is not all that he seems. She is surprisingly good in this, with a wounded seriousness in her acting.

Although the resolution is ambiguous and the dialogue often left me asking "Why aren't they REALLY talking to each other???" I really enjoyed this film. The soundtrack was jarring at times; all classical and booming and majestic at times then quiet and morose at others--but it fit the story well. The real stars were the eyes of KIDMAN and HUSTON, whom seemed to be speaking oceans of words to each other without uttering a single sound. This movie will not skeeve you out like a LOLITA but will twist and turn you on your head. Go. Rent. Now.
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+the PET History of Ze Brickthrower+ Part Tre.

My sister Shacky against my paren't wishes, brought home a pit bull one day. The dog had been neglected by its previous owner, being locked up all the time made it a very intimidating dog when it first came in contact with people; she barked and growled as if she was ready to tear into your face. She even had an attack sound, but the folly of the thug that kept her, the sound only made her run for the nearest tree branch and tear it off the tree. When I moved out of my parents abode, I took Christale with me. Once she became an indoor dog--her whole demeanor changed. Besides the initial barking and clambering to run out the door when it was open, she was a big baby. She seemed to have a dislike for women with white hair (the previous owner had a grandmother who REALLY neglected the dog and Christale remembered) but other than that she was a wonderful puppy. We had her for about 8 months when she stopped eating her food at a normal rate. I called the Vet, who told me that we should try changing foods, and if she ate then she was fine. I did this--and she would eat voraciously --for about a week then go back to her old habits. After a month of this I took her to the vet. They ran a Lymes Disease test...and it came back positive. She was 5 years old and the disease was very advanced.

(((**BLING BLING**Christale--Staffordshire Terrier and a face to die for.)))
We spent quite a bit of money (due to lack of pet insurance) on her--to get sonograms, x-Rays, and even tried using an IV to place fluid under her skin. This lasted for a week. On Wednesday Dec. 12th (a week after she was diagnosed) we woke up, came downstairs, and blood was covering the floor. Her kidneys had started hemorraghing. She would have to be put down. It was the saddest thing I had to experience in my life. My then-boyfriend took her to the Vet for the euthanizing b/c I didn't have the heart to watch. It rained that night but he was adamant about burying her. I was never a big fan of dogs having always been a cat person, but I cried and still cry when telling this story. Christale was a puppy at heart, a sweetheart who loves to cuddle. She is sorely missed. RIP Christale puppy!!!
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Mary *hearts* manga. Her knee socks of power will make you bow down in dark alleys. Mind the dust mites--they can be deadly. I spent the weekend at my rents in an unplanned trip. I have had the most important breakthrough since I started this whole mission. And dammit if it doesn't make me fantastically sad and happy all at the same time. I have also emailing a the LUTHERAN SETTLEMENT HOUSE regaring volunteer opportunites--they are a domestic violence/woman's shelter. I am extremely interested in this subject now and think that it can only benefit me and my community.

I picked up my MARINERS tickets, my PET photos, and even got a kickass Tempur-pedic pillow which I of course forgot to take home with me. Still w/o my Saturn but me mum is letting me drive minivan #2 until I get the car--which should be this week. going to see Kell tomorrow. My heroes this week:
++Slavedriver Cubed--my savior
++Stefan--for loaning me money and getting me out of a tight spot
++Dane--her support is what keeps me going

The above picture was made with the Elouai candy doll maker...sorry don't have the link handy but you can probably look it up from that. I stopped the caffeine @ 7pm as planned, picked up my tranq RX, and am now going to start the wind-down time. My mum is the greatest woman in the whole world--I love her strength and support no matter what obstacles come my way. I'm too lucky with the positive people I have around me right now.
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An Apathetic Icon

...Ze Moto Demon...First pic taken with the "night" option on my digi cam, before Attila showed me how to really work it!

APATHETIC ICON, the group of 5 that put out the first collection of poetry is reuniting to publish our 2nd book. This is my new obsession and at least I have something to look forward to besides my car that I will only be able to drive for 2 months (and won't be getting until Friday). I was actually getting nervous, afraid I would have to write poems on command, but as it turns out I have more than enough so I will be able to pick and choose. A couple are pretty short so I need to see if those are worth it or not. Anyway my first draft of my section of the book (I need 10 poems, bio/photo page, title page) is due in 2 1/2 weeks and I couldn't be happier to doing something with my work again. My love.

I should be getting my resume back tomorrow from Cubed so that is something to look forward to as well. Especially after the day I had in training and the maddening monotony that my job has been reduced to. I think that the wear and tear on my relationship with my fiance has alot to do with the fact that we spend almost ALL of our time together (esp. now that I'm low on funds and staying home more) and so me scouting around for a new place is the best thing for me, best thing for us, best thing all around. I want to use my writing skills in something more than transportation. Not upset, just ready to move on.


***********LOST TALK AHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!**************
Stefan came over tonight and we watched LOST--which was hella good but still confusing as all hell. KATE is an evil sneak--its been said before and I'll say it again! And goddammit--twice LOCKE was told NOT to open the hatch--once by an ex-Iraqi soldier (I <3 Sayid man! He knows about the evils of the world) and once by a scary SHINING-esque kid (who can fucking manifest polar bears so might have a little smarter than people think) and you know damn well the bastard is obsessed and is gonna open that fucker up. But in the scenes for next week they show HURLEY looking at the hatch and ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY said that the number mystery will be solved...only to reveal more questions. So yeah...next week is the 2 hour finale and you know I'll be there with bells on. A-Unit called me tonight and we're gonna hit NOCTURNE afterwards so it should be hella fun. =o) (((the HOBBIT is writing again...when will the heroin be found by our little drug addict?)))
***************END LOST TALK*****************

It was so fucking hot today--outside, in work, in the house now. No air yet so I'm just trying to stay still and try not to go insane b/c I'm home alone and sorta bored, the nausea is gone but the sleeping is still restless; during the week I don't really dwell on things so I guess that's good. J Jonah is getting me a bike this weekend so I will be happy to go to and from work now--it will be much easier than walking and waiting for a bus--and I'll still be exercising so that's cool. I hope to go out during lunch as well but I really have to think about how I'm going to avoid getting--you know--A TAN :shudder:. Applying 50spf sunblock @ work just doesn't seem like it would be that much fun so the other option is wearing protective clothing and I'm actually writing about this shite so I think maybe its time to call this entry quits!!!
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+The PET History of Ze Brickthrower! 2nd Site+

After the untimely demise of CHRISTALE, the best little pit bull in the whole wide world, there was a debate going on about getting a new pet. My roomie wanted a puppy--a boxer--and I wanted a kitty cat due to the fact that I was never allowed one when I lived with me mum who was allergic.

And so, in times of great debate, a compromise was reached. We would both get pets and raise them together so that they would get along. So she purchased a boxer puppy and named it LAMOTTA and I got a tabby cat from the SPCA and christened it MRS. BOJANGLES. When they first met--the cat was older but the same size as the puppy. It was very clear within the first 5 minutes that even though they would have the benefit of being around each other from a very young age, this would not prevent them from fighting:

(((When babies attack...LAMOTTA the boxer and MRS BOJANGLES the tabby fight to the death)))
That's all they ever did! They couldn't be in the same room together w/o mauling each other. Not in horrible, knock down drag-out sorta way; no blood shed but the need to irritate each other until they were both panting and thoroughly exhausted never waned. Soon the dog dwarfed BO but this didn't scare my kitty cat at all...she took a lickin' and kept on tickin'. And the companionship of LAMOTTA didn't make BO any more keen on having more doggie friends; she attempted to kill another Pit Bull and my mother's doggie but was torn from the animals before she could finish the job. =o)
My ex got custody of BO and so when I left him I left behind the hijinks of BO and LAMOTTA...but the pictures still crack me up every time I check'em out. Who couldn't love 2 furry babies trying to maim one another?
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|Another CD Gets Reviewed|

CD Review WITH TEETH by Nine Inch Nails

I am in love with NIN and quite smitten with TRENT REZNOR as well. So just so you know, I'm a bit biased and am hard pressed to even think of a NIN song that I don't absolutely lurve. I'm not just saying that to be a kiss ass but I really truly admire the pain and electronic/metal mayhem that is NINE INCH NAILS.

I waited as patiently as a saint for the new album. A new song here and there by Mr. Reznor always proved to be a mere tease to WITH TEETH, which finally debuted last week. Now with 2 weeks before the concert in which I will be as close to Trent as I probably will ever get, I have listened to the new album 8 or 9 times over 2 days, and although it didn't at first hold sway over me with instantaneous admiration, it has now grafted itself with wounded beauty to my brain and refuses to unstick. Or maybe its b/c I glued it there. :WINK:

The first thing you might notice about the new single is the commercial value or the sheer "catchiness" of the song. It grabs hold and takes you for a ride with "The hand that feeds" lyrics' practically begging to be the theme song of the new RIDLEY SCOTT film:
"what if this whole crusade's...
a charade?
and behind it all there's a price to be paid
for the blood
on which we dine
justified in the name of the holy and the divine"
The second song available--"THE LINE BEGINS TO BLUR" is much more raw sounding and both songs together might give you an accurate picture of the whole album...but not really. Trent starts with the epic "All the love in the world" and ends with 3 songs that seem to meld and glide effortless into one another with "The line..", "beside you in time", and "right where it belongs" (his customary slow ender). In between are real songs, not the instrumentals that J Jonah may sadly miss but I can kiss goodbye gracefully, b/c it is in Trent's mix of hurting lyrics with well-crafted noise that makes me a fan. "every day is exactly the same" should be played at work on high volume in the throes of monotony, while "only" is yet another anthem for the selfish and shallow. "with teeth" makes me want to kill someone--but in that good way--esp. the way the Trent takes a 2 syllable phrase and transforms it into 4. His voice goes between scream and high pitched sigh in the span of a few minutes--and maybe I got greedy with the double CD but honestly I can't wait for more halo's come out from this disc so I can collect the whole set.

Your CD collection is crying for some more pain and anguish...won't you give WITH TEETH a good home?
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|||CD Review|||

FABRIC 15: TYRANT by Craig Richards
A little background: FABRIC is one of the hippest clubs in Britain that puts out CD's of some of the hippest DJ's. There are FABRIC cd's as well as FABRIC LIVE discs. FABRICLIVE has given way to one of my favorite albums of all time: JACQUES LU CONT's 80's decadence opus. I took a chance with this FARBIC 15 but figured it was 2 discs and had a hella cool name (TYRANT) so why the heck not?

Craig Richards spins minimal tech-house that really reminds me of MISS KITTIN's BERLIN IS BURNING disc she compiled for Muzik magazine. Not as much electro infusion as the aforementioned (with the exception of "the minimum of life" by JOAKIM that sports a killer synth riff) but enough clicks, beeps and whistles to make your head spin. Both discs contain over 70 mins. worth of music--and for the sweet price tag of under $20--there isn't any good reason why you shouldn't have this album! Jimi Tenor's "muchmo" is superfly with that 70's TV show vibe and this can be said for the whole album; an artful blend of hip-hop and sound bytes interspliced with a minimal beat and bass line that will make your speakers vibrate. Perfect for chillin' and playing video games, background music to almost any activity, and "kama sutra training...". I was dying for some new electronic music to rattle my brain around and I have found a new love with FABRIC 15. As the great Jennifer Love Hewitt once said in that great American Classic I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER:
"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?"
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|||The PET history of Ze Brickthrower|||

When I was 4, I decided to teach my sister's dog how to swing on the swing set.
I couldn't tell you why I picked up her dog (Barger) and not my dog (Candy) and decided that I would try to put it on the swingset. But that's just what I did. I only remember after that the dog yelping in pain and me running to get my mom b/c the dog was hanging from the chain by its leg. And as you see by this picture:

(((*From Left, Shacky and my dog Candy; Me and Shacky's dog Barger.*)))
The doggy was ok. Barger had to wear a cast for a while, and I guess he didn't hate me too much if he let me hold him for this picture. Poor little puppy...I still shudder to think of him.
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My teeth are rotting out of my skull.

My head has been aching since I woke up. So all I can say is fuck you.
I was going to put up pictures and regale you all with stories of my youth. This is not to be as I cannot force myself off this couch and into my office where I could upload the photo.

Mr. LAYMAN has offered a photo shop immunity challenge which I really need to get to but it will have to wait.

So will updating my resume and so will playing THE BATTLE FOR MIDDLE EARTH.

But I can sign up for GAMEFLY.com and watch RAW is WAR because I haven't watched wrestling in awhile and ERIC BISCHOFF is on dammit! Don't judge me!

I'm done with it all. Its all gone. So it begins...
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My Battle Cry!

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Zang! Who is that, skulking across the candy store! It is Mary E Brickthrower, hands clutching a sharpened screwdriver! And with a gutteral scream, her voice cometh: "I'm going to pound you into your own personal hell, and roll you in creamy neugut!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

Back to the Beginning...

I feel like everything has been a cakewalk up until this decision. My entire life no longer fits into the niche of the universe that I have carved for myself. Everything and nothing has changed; in the sense that nothing on the surface looks different but inside all my positivity is being overshadowed by the immense dread of fear.

"THY WILL BE DONE, NOT MINE" had become my mantra but even that cannot save me now. To say that I am ready to give up something that I enjoy and never thought was a problem is admitting that is indeed a problem. A vice that slows me to the point of stagnation. And I must be ready, with all mental faculties fully functional (for optimum performance) so I can finish what I started a few months ago. I can never say again truthfully that I have any control over the world around me--this tiny niche in the universe--but I can say that even though the fear is trying with all its might to take over my insides, it will not succeed. I am here now to rise above and have my mind at peace for once. The voices are here now; they push me down into myself but I will hold this pen and write all night if I have to so that I stifle the screams and make fear hoarse. My life is worth that much to me.

And before I would have handed it over to you gladly.
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