Back to the Beginning...

I feel like everything has been a cakewalk up until this decision. My entire life no longer fits into the niche of the universe that I have carved for myself. Everything and nothing has changed; in the sense that nothing on the surface looks different but inside all my positivity is being overshadowed by the immense dread of fear.

"THY WILL BE DONE, NOT MINE" had become my mantra but even that cannot save me now. To say that I am ready to give up something that I enjoy and never thought was a problem is admitting that is indeed a problem. A vice that slows me to the point of stagnation. And I must be ready, with all mental faculties fully functional (for optimum performance) so I can finish what I started a few months ago. I can never say again truthfully that I have any control over the world around me--this tiny niche in the universe--but I can say that even though the fear is trying with all its might to take over my insides, it will not succeed. I am here now to rise above and have my mind at peace for once. The voices are here now; they push me down into myself but I will hold this pen and write all night if I have to so that I stifle the screams and make fear hoarse. My life is worth that much to me.

And before I would have handed it over to you gladly.
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