Myths About Ze Brickthrower Dispelled...
1--I am NOT a Jesus Freak.
2--I am NOT as strong as you think I am
3--I have failed and I might again but this does not make me a quitter
4--I am NOT happy with my current life situation although I can remain positive about my life changes
**********************
The easiest way to describe any sprituality I have found is Buddhism, but even that is not quite accurate. I'm still changing. I'm not the same person I was a month ago, last year, last month. To realize that your entire life you've been living without a sense of self is enough to make a sane person cry. Me being the Queen of the Pathetic means I want to tear the entire world apart for my own ridiculous deceptions.
It doesn't help that attempting to volunteer and find a job is like pulling teeth--I remember why I stayed in this horridness of a job so long--b/c its easy. So was the drug use--easy to live in misery when I blotted out any concrete or creative thought I ever had. And it starts to get a little hard and here I go crying to my blog and wallowing in the same shame spiral I told myself I needed to get out of. But as stated above, I'm not giving up, no surrender (TO THE DRUGS CUBED! And the Shame Spiral. Buddha can have it all) I just need this time to bitch and moan so that I can shut the fuck up about it IRL and move past it.
If it consumes me, then I can never say I went to London again. And right now I'll use that as my reason to rise above.
++++++++++++end of transmission++++++++++++++
2--I am NOT as strong as you think I am
3--I have failed and I might again but this does not make me a quitter
4--I am NOT happy with my current life situation although I can remain positive about my life changes
**********************
The easiest way to describe any sprituality I have found is Buddhism, but even that is not quite accurate. I'm still changing. I'm not the same person I was a month ago, last year, last month. To realize that your entire life you've been living without a sense of self is enough to make a sane person cry. Me being the Queen of the Pathetic means I want to tear the entire world apart for my own ridiculous deceptions.
It doesn't help that attempting to volunteer and find a job is like pulling teeth--I remember why I stayed in this horridness of a job so long--b/c its easy. So was the drug use--easy to live in misery when I blotted out any concrete or creative thought I ever had. And it starts to get a little hard and here I go crying to my blog and wallowing in the same shame spiral I told myself I needed to get out of. But as stated above, I'm not giving up, no surrender (TO THE DRUGS CUBED! And the Shame Spiral. Buddha can have it all) I just need this time to bitch and moan so that I can shut the fuck up about it IRL and move past it.
If it consumes me, then I can never say I went to London again. And right now I'll use that as my reason to rise above.
++++++++++++end of transmission++++++++++++++
posted by Mary E. Brickthrower at 1:21:00 PM
2 Comments:
This is why I think highly of you and value you so much as a friend. You know your strenghts. You know you weaknesses, and no matter what comes along you keep on trucking. You are a real person. I am so proud of you and the positive changes you are making and you will in the end come out of this better than ever. Love ya..Dana
You do need to surrender. Just not to the addictions. And I know you love Jebus. You're just as strong as I thought you were. No more, no less.
He who drives slaves
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