Birthday Cancelled in Fit of Apathy

I was supposed to meet with some poeople last minute @ the NEW WAVE CAFE for Birthday drinks but I have cancelled due to general malaise that has been persistent since this morning.

Anxiety, persistent worry and the need to watch depressing movies about drugs and suicide are also in the mix.

I am listening to THE DRESDEN DOLLS and I feel like the shadow of a person. When depression hits me like this its hard to think consistently about the problems of the world (KATRINA which his just horrible and mind-numbing in its horrors; for crying out loud someone left a puppy tied to a tree during the evacuation. The puppy was saved but I don't see the problem with tying that guy up and letting water rush in up to his eyeballs for a bit.) or perhaps the suckiness that is the FALL OF THE HOUSE OF NO-LIBS, my bills not paid, my mail floating around between 3 different places...none of them my real home.

My sister keeps an ache in my heart far deeper than anything on my mind, except for the fact that I can only focus on how to obliterate all feeling even though the day is beautiful and I went out with Tre-J for a gift for a friend and then sat at the fountain on 2nd street and watched the world go by. That was made me really sad...that's the funny part. It was so nice and I just could not enjoy it in any way.

The need to cuddle overwhelms me but Joely D is working as he does all weekend and who knows if he really wants to cuddle anyway or if I have set myself to be some geeky call girl with a great DVD collection and more pirate parphenalia than should be allowed in one room.

Cubed is gonna totally identify and be upset by this statement--but I could use some NYQUIL right about now. Yesterday I was on top of the world and now I have fallen off the side with a hideous THUD. RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR. I haven't been officially diagnosed with this type but its fitting the bill real well.

I would tell you about the date with Matt last night or perhaps that I ran into Frank from the Navy Yard or maybe that LILY LANGTREES is mos def on with FLICK and I want to buy a new dress but can't afford it so I have to come up with an alternative. I could go into great detail and bore you all but instead I will work on the new poem that has been swirling around my head for days now. But I leave you with these lyrics b/c they fit so well right now:

good day (((by DRESDEN DOLLS)))
so you dont want to hear about my good song?

and you dont want to hear about how i am getting on

with all the things that i can get done

the sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome

so you don't want to hear about my good day?

you have better things to do than to hear me say
god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way

i took out the trash today and i'm on fire...
so you don't want to hear about my good friends?

you dont have the guts to take the truth or consequence

success is in the eye of the beholder

and its looking even better over your cold shoulder
i'm not suggesting you up and line me up for questioning

but jesus think about the bridges you are burning

and i'm betting

that even though you knew it from the start
you'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart
so go ahead and talk about your bad day...

i want all the details of the pain and misery

that you are inflicting on the others

i consider them my sisters and i'd like their numbers
god its been a lovely day!

everything is going my way

i took up croquet today and i'm on fire
i picked up the pieces of my broken ego

i have finally made my peace as far as you and me go

but i'd love to have you up to see the place

& i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.....
hey! its been a lovely day!

everything is going my way

i had so much fun today and i'm on fire

god it's been a lovely day everything's been going my way

ever since you went away hey i'm on fire.....

i'm on fire...

i'm on fire...

so you dont want to hear about my good day?

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