M.I.A.

I am just starting to establish an identity of my own so its been very hard these past few weeks. I’ve been going in between total OK’ed-ness with my situation to utter loneliness and longing. I don’t know what’s going on right now except that I have said this before and I’ll say it again: I have never needed to be alone more in my life than right now. To have these things thrown at me (my uncle’s death, my sister’s problems, my worries over certain friends’) and not have the usual support of a boy to get me through it, to help me wallow in it, has made it roll off my back a bit easier.

My support system used to be the other person I was with, not my own mind or my own skeletal system. So these parts of my body have become severely atrophied. In need of repair and strengthening. Old habits die hard…but I have been able to say “no” to relying once again on someone else for everything. I can’t fall back into the same pattern, even if the variants have changed. The constant is that I am still fucked up and have no hope of redeeming myself unless I start thinking about who the hell I am.

As if someone so self-involved could have no idea who they are. Well I assure you that this can be a very real problem. A problem that I am struggling with now with such disdain and heartache that its making my jaw-clenching even worse, my drug taking stilted and sporadic, my life a series of fuzzy moments marked by the usual activities of work and DVD watching. I am going to figure this thing out—I vow that if I can promise nothing else.

I had a 3 day weekend b/c of COLUMBUS DAY so yesterday me and Frank went to the FRANKLIN INSTITUTE to see the BODYWORLDS exhibit—plasticized muscle and bone in various poses and shapes; I was nauseous most of the time. I would be lying if I didn’t say I overdid it this weekend, coming home on Monday I just was glad to be home in my bed, alone for a bit until about 9pm when I couldn’t stand it anymore and just went to the NEW WAVE to read and grab a couple glasses of wine. I oftentimes don’t even need my own company; just being around other people is enough social contact for me at times. I was in bed before midnight but had a horrible time sleeping; waking up freezing and text messages that I got hours later from when they were sent was the reason.

I have plans to write about the new FRANZ for JD’s zine-site so I think going home and watching the DUAL DISC DVD stuffies will be the first thing I take care of tonight. I shouldn’t go out tonight at all—I’m pretty sick with some sort of cold or infection—NYQUIL induced sleep may be the cure-all for what ails me these days.
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