Made the Choice to Go Insane

NIN is the official soundtrack of my life. Oh yes, sceaming about the pain of EVERYTHING is something I do best.

and I'm always in pain.

Trying to write without using the word "I" is like impossible. I am everywhere. Its my fucking life. What's wrong with ME? I? Why does that make me "young and inexperienced"?

I have been in love
I have broken hearts and had my heart broken
I have a functional dysfunctional family
I have had an ex-lover almost die on my twice
I have to take pills to keep from comitting suicide

Doesn't this make me know enough to know that I should just shut the fuck up right now and stop being so self-loathing? Um...guess not.

I pulled out all the usual writing gear today: the pencil box, the folder of writing, the new notebook. And I just looked at it and wanted to scream.
I went over to Stefan and Ry's to watch BATTLE ROYALE and it was like we were all strangers again. I can't believe how alone I can be with people around me all the time. We barely talked. I don't want to ask about his girl b/c I don't know what to say. He was my friend goddammit! I care about him so much but its all gone. We're never gonna get that back.
"Mary, I don't understand why you just can't decide to be happy, and then be happy." <===direct quote from my dad when I was 16 years old

Nothing...seems to kill me...no matter how hard I try
Nothing is closing my eyes...for your pain or your delight

I need to stop this tomfoolery before my heart explodes from the emo-ness of it all.

++++++++++++++end of transmission+++++++++++++