Ramon gets excited while the audience gets intrigued
A story for the fan boyz...by Attila Adorjany, Mary E, Ramon Perez, Derek Halliday, Rob Coughler and Chris Butcher...8.29.04
*****
It was nearing the end of the con. Randall was poor, tired and alone. A backpack full of goodies and a pocket full of Canadian change weighed him down. Suddenly, a costumed girl, dressed like a big black cat, took of her giant mask and said:
"Hi, what's your name?"
"Randall" he said shyly, suddenly self aware that he might have B.O. and that she was a girl. He smiled awkwardly. She smiled back with a knowing look. 'Poor, harmless, geek boy' she thought to herself...'you're in for the ride of your life!'
"Hi Randall," she said out loud "can you help me I need you to take off your pants."
Randall broke out into a cold sweat, a girl was talking to him and wanted him to take off his pants! A girl here and now in a public place. The moment lasted an eternity, what should he do? His hands reached down for his belt buckle as rivulets of sweat began to form on his brow. He pulled the buckle aside, grabbed the leather belt and prepared to drop trow...
'This...is totally a good idea.' he thought. 'There is nothing that could possibly go wrong at this moment in time right now.'
That's when Patrick Stewart showed up, talking on his cell:
"Are you telling me Michael and Levar were talking shit about me behind my back? This will not stand!" He caught sight of Randall with belt in hand, "Boy what are you doing?"
Randall froze, his ultimate dream was suddenly evolving before his eyes. Not only was Randall about to touch a woman without money changing hangs, but Patrick Stewart, Jean Luc "motherfuckin'" Picard of the Starship Enterprise, would be there to witness and back up the actual event. He would be the hero of his Star Trek L.A.R.P. group. Who cared if he was bumbling and inept with women? If Jean Luc was his Captain, giving directions, he could be nothing less than great! Jean Luc wpuld pull this big pussy cat down over the Captain Canuck table, and Jean would cry:
"Number one...make it so!"
And with that Randall finished, not like man, but with a boxer brief soaking whimper. As he stood there in front of the girl and Jean Luc moist and embarassed he thought to himself 'how could this get any worse?'
Meanwhile, Natasha furrowed her brow. Where could her Kitty-Cat headed lover have gone? 'She better not be bilking fanboys out of their pants again!' she thought. 'we've got more than enough to last us a lifetime! Still, there's something to be said for a shy, chunky, nerd-boy standing in his underwear in front of a girl for the first time. I wonder where she is...?'
That's when all hell broke loose. Screams erupted from Artist Alley. Children were running past Natasha clutching their cheescake sketches to their chest, tripping over their over sized anime costume props. Large men in sweaty Hawaiian shirts trundled past in undulating rows or flab and laboured breaths.
"What the hell is going on?' thought Natasha. Then behing the wave of fanboys came, a threeway of danger comprised of an oversized pussy, a soiled shmuck of shame and an enrage former Starship Captain.
"What happened?" cried Natasha. But the sad truth was only to be found later in her Kitty-Cat headed lover's diary:
some guy spanked off on Patrick Stewart. Jean Luc lost his shit and attacked the little bastard. The kid would have been toast if I hadn't jump in to help his ass out! I was clawing while Randall cried, and Mr. Stewart was red as a beet with rage. We crashed through the RUE MORGUE booth, trashing it completely. Then in a beastly cry of triumph, Jean Luc raised a video monitor above his head, poised to collapse my skull!
"Have at thee cretin!!!" Jean Luc cried!
Randall knew he was done for, but the blow never came. Randall looked up to see Jean Luc in the throes of pain. Suddenly Patrick collapsed to his side, clutching his chest. Randall's world was falling apart...I could tell just by his look.
And it was true...Randall's world was falling apart. 'Dear God, I've done what an entire fleet of BORG could not do...I've killed Jean Luc (with the help of cat girl...)!!!!' Randall cried to the heavens in dismay. "Someone please save him!!!" Suddenly there was Geordi LaForge with signing pen in hand.
"He'll never make if we can't jump start his heart!" Geordi informed them.
"What about those power cables next to the fuse box?" Randall inquired.
"It just might work, but even if it would, how could we ever get them out of the fuse box without the proper tools?" Now Worf was there too...questioning Randall.
A shadow fell across the three figures. It was Peter Mayhew!!! He stepped over them in a great stride and grabbed hold of the cables in his large hands. Straining with all his Wookie strength, growling to all his Kashykk Gods, he wrenched the now sparkling and crackling cords. He jammed the cords hard onto either side of Picard's chest. His body tensed into a rigid arc. A silence fell over the crowd.
And as Picard's eyes regained their sparkle of life, the Con went dark. Seeing life on the other side gave Mr. Stewart a new perspective of life, he apologized for his behaviour. As a gesture of good faith he signed the boys CGC Graded cardset (of course in the presence of a witness for the CGC) and the Kitten Girl's breast. Cradled in the arms of Chewbacca, Jean Luc cried into his cell phone: "Engage." And they transported from the Con.
Sitting alone in the wreckage was Randall thinking back on his day with a bemused smile. And from that day forward wheneer anyone asked him how the con was he simply said, "Fine...except for the fucking blackout!!!"
FIN
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